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LIVE BY DESIGN, NOT DEFAULT
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LIVE BY DESIGN, NOT DEFAULT
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The definition if self-awareness is "conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives and desires". For me, the key here is conscious. So many of us are not living in the present moment.
We've found ways to self-soothe/medicate, otherwise known as checking out. Your vice could be watching endless hours of TV, scrolling social media, staying at work late, etc. All of these are ways in which we check out or operate on auto-pilot. Not to say you're doing it purposefully, it's just simply become a habit. I cannot begin to count how many times I've seen a family out for a meal, all eating at the same table and every single person has one hand on their food/silverware and the other on their phone. It has become "normal" to not socialize with loved ones sitting right next to you. Being self-aware and present can help you break these habits. How about this, have you ever noticed you've ended up in the same situation or relationship yet again? You've started a new job or new friendship/relationship and at first it's great and then...deja vu! Self-awareness would call to your attention that the situation is not the problem, you are. You keep repeating old habits and patterns that lead you down that same old path. Until you become conscious and present, history will continue to repeat itself. It would be so much easier if we could simply point the blame to someone else. But how would that help us? We would continue to live an unhappy, unfulfilled life on auto pilot. Believe me, I know this all too well. I lived that life for years. My breakdown came after the loss of two loved ones. I am so grateful for them, the love and compassion they showed me while they were here and the lessons their deaths taught me. That breakdown led me to my breakthrough when I woke up to the harsh reality that I was not living my life. I was not present, I was unfulfilled and definitely unhappy. My practice of self-awareness has grown significantly over the years as I've healed old wounds, faced and forgiven traumas, worked with coaches and healers and learned to listen to my inner voice. But, it all started with ME. Me committing to being present. Me committing to being honest with myself. Me committing to doing the hard inner work. I had to first decide that auto pilot was no longer an option. Living an unfulfilled life was no longer acceptable. It was time to wake up, be conscious and live intentionally. Self-awareness was key in radically transforming my life. It helped me remain accountable to me and the commitments I had made to myself. Some may think it's easier to blame someone else, but I think it's easier when you know there is only one person with the power, and that person is YOU. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Ok, so let's be real. This is a tough one. Letting go of control, a relationship, safety and security to pursue your dream, and so much more. Letting go can be one of the toughest lessons we learn in life. Why? Because change and the unknown can be scary...but it doesn't have to be.
We hang onto all of this fear and anxiety over things we cannot control. As a recovering control freak, I have spent countless hours stressing over something that turned out just fine. For example, freaking out when I made the decision to leave Corporate to build my coaching business. I had no idea how I was going to pay my bills. What if I didn't make it? What if... But what about when it's someone else and completely out of your control. My daughter's father is an addict. Even though we were not together, there were still years of worry and sleepless nights. With multiple suicide attempts, car accidents, arrests and all the other things that come with addiction, I was scared to death that one day I would receive that fateful call and have to sit my daughter down for a heartbreaking conversation. That call never came, and yet that fear and anxiety still consumed me. So why did I choose to let the fear of what might happen have such power over me? I used to have severe anxiety when flying. I was convinced I was on the plane that was going down. Every sound and bump elevated my heart rate and raised my blood pressure. I had NO control! Or did I? I realized I was the only one who did have control...the power to let go of the things I cannot control. Making the decision to leave Corporate was a scary leap, but you know what, I am resourceful and a phenomenal problem solver, so of course I found a way. And these are things I know about myself, so there was no reason to allow the fear to consume me. For my daughter's father, the CDC estimates that 72,287 people died from overdoses in 2017; that's nearly 200 people each day. A sad, yet true fact, which is why helping recovering addicts is so near and dear to my heart. What control did I have? I chose to be a positive force in his life and keep open lines of communication, but ultimately accept that it's his life and his decision. If the plane is going down, the plane is going down. The only control I have in that scenario is to make sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me...before I get on the plane. Not to mention, statistically I am more likely to die in L.A. traffic on my way to the airport than I am on the plane lol. The point I'm trying to make with these examples is whether we have little control or no control, we need to let go. What will be, will be. That's life. But when we allow ourselves to be consumed by this fear and anxiety, we are missing out on being present and enjoying everything life has to offer; both the ups and the downs. We're also missing out on opportunities cause we're so hell bent on things going the way we want. We are telling the Universe that we can do it all on our own, no support necessary, we're a one man show and everything is under control. Is that really the message you want to be sending? Is that the kind of energy you want to be carrying around? Wouldn't you like to free yourself of these chains? This week I challenge you to complete this exercise:
You are not alone, reach out to your inner circle throughout this process. Open the door to an honest dialogue about the struggle of surrendering and letting go. I guarantee your friends can relate and you will all benefit from this exercise and the conversations that ensue. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Ahhhh, parenting. One of life's greatest blessings and biggest challenges all rolled into one. I've said this many times to many people; You're going to fuck up your kids. Not in the same way your parents fucked you up, but in new ways by overcompensating for what you believe were your parent's mistakes.
Most of us want to do better and give our children a better life than we had. However, there is no manual, there is no "right" way and we're imperfect humans dealing with our own shit too. Some of my biggest life failures and hardest lessons came from motherhood. I did not have a safe or comfortable childhood, so I made it my life mission to provide that for my daughter. However, in doing so, I robbed her of the opportunity to learn from her mistakes, problem solve and overcome adversity. By overcompensating, I created an environment that was too safe and too comfortable. I protected her from hurt and heartache, instead of allowing those to teach her about healing, forgiveness and compassion. I was so caught up in providing her a better life and upholding my image, that I failed to be present and enjoy the journey. I had a fear of being seen, so when my very spirited child was being ridiculously goofy in public, I made her tone it down for fear of her being embarrassed or made fun of. I thought all of these things were for her protection, but really they were harming her and hindering her ability to function as an adult in the real world. I know other parents who want so badly for their kids to like them, or be their BFF, that the parent/child lines are blurred. Or because they felt like they had no say as a kid, they allow their children too much say and have created an unhealthy imbalance of authority with no boundaries. I've learned we can't protect our kids from life. This is how they learn. What we can do is love them unconditionally, not just let them be goofy, but celebrate their unique character, create a safe space with structure, openly communicate (even the tough shit) and set the example. In order to parent better, you have to be willing to do the inner work. If you are not happy and well-balanced, how can you expect your children to be? Again, there is no manual or "right" way. We all make mistakes. I am no parenting expert, but I have learned a lot over the years and I encourage you to start to think about your parenting style and analyze if your choices are:
One of the most important lessons we can teach our children, in my humble opinion, is accountability; genuinely apologize when you make a mistake, cause it's going to happen. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new. Brian Tracy According to Wikipedia, the comfort zone is defined as “a behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance.” Wow! Notice those words; anxiety-neutral, limited and steady. Does that sound like a place you can flourish and be your best self? As a very young child, we develop patterns, routines and thoughts that become deeply rooted survival mechanisms. They have shaped our character, how we show up in this world and the types of decisions we make. For example, if you grew up in a house that was always loud, chaotic and unpredictable, you will either recreate that in your adult life, because it's your comfort zone or you will swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and be rigid, controlled and ultra-organized. Either way, your experiences as a child have created your reality as an adult. My comfort zone was all about having control and portraying an image of perfection. I upheld that for years. For others, it may be staying in a dysfunctional relationship because dysfunction is all you've ever known. I once had a conversation with a young guy, probably around 24, who had been in a relationship for 3 years. His partner wanted marriage and kids. He knew she was not the one. However, he was more fearful of ending it and moving on than he was of staying in an unhappy relationship. It had become comfortable and he wasn't willing to get uncomfortable. But there's a cost to staying comfortable. When we're comfortable, we are not learning or growing. We're not having the necessary difficult conversations with ourselves and others. Pause for a moment to reflect on your routines, daily thoughts and your choices. Are you noticing a pattern? Do you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? It's shocking, right?
You are only confined by the walls you build yourself. You can survive in your comfort zone, but if you truly want to thrive, you must be willing to get uncomfortable. Are you willing to step outside those walls and see what wonderful things are on the other side? This week, challenge yourself to change at least one thing and watch the magic unfold. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! As women, we tend to be hypercritical of ourselves and especially of our bodies. We look at social media, magazines, TV and compare ourselves to other women. What is the effect of comparison? We think they are better, which makes us feel like we're less than enough. But who decided what this supposed golden standard is? There is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt; No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
So really, its YOU. You are the one deciding what the standard is and then deeming yourself not worthy. I was always the chubby kid being made fun of by kids in school and even some of my own family members. I wasn't taught healthy eating habits and yet I was still shamed for being overweight. As if it was my fault for not knowing better as a child. This shame stayed with me for years. My weight was my armor, my protective shield. As unreasonable as it sounds, I felt like my weight protected me from being seen and not being seen equated to not being hurt. As someone whose weight has greatly fluctuated over the years, so has my body image and shame. Until the day I decided to love myself no matter where I was in the journey. The reality is women of all sizes struggle with body image/shame. I know women who are small and have the healthy, toned, "ideal" body and yet still struggle with body image. They won't wear tank tops cause they don't like their arms or won't wear short skirts cause they hate their legs or want to hide their varicose veins. Then there are women obsessed with losing that last 5-10lbs and it consumes their life. They cannot find happiness until they reach that goal on the scale. Men struggle too with body image. I recently had a long conversation with a guy who was afraid of putting himself back into the dating scene because he had put on a few extra pounds. I asked him if he wanted to find someone who only cared what he looked like externally or if he wanted someone to like him for who he is, his character and values. My advice was if he wanted to lose weight for his health, great. But if he wanted to lose weight because he felt like he wasn't enough, then he needed to spend some time reflecting on what that meant and where it was coming from. The moment I found love for myself, was the moment my entire life changed. I began walking taller with my head high, my wardrobe changed cause I was no longer trying to hide myself, I began to glow and my smile became genuine instead of forced. And people started to notice and comment. I recently had two friends tell me I was elegant and refined; two words I would never have used to describe myself, but that was their truth in how they saw me and how I carry myself. There's no handbook or "proven system" for you to follow. You must simply make a decision. Your true beauty will emerge the moment you decide to simply love yourself wherever you are in your journey. Let go of this false "ideal" image. We are all flawed humans, we all have those things that bother us about ourselves, but that's what makes us uniquely us. This world would be a very boring place if all humans were alike. Celebrate your magical uniqueness and share it with everyone around you! I promise, you will notice a difference and so will those around you. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! We've all heard the song Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka and boy is it true. Depending on the circumstances, it may be down right brutal. Whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship, it is not easy. In either scenario, there is time invested, connection built, shared experiences and intimate details revealed.
In most cases a relationship dissolves because one party feels misunderstood, disrespected, minimized, and/or hurt. Other times it could be something as simple as growing apart. I've experienced both and neither is easy. In each scenario, we find ourselves grieving what was lost and that is a process we must go through to come out the other side stronger and healthier. In order to heal, we must let go of unrealistic expectation of how we "should" react and just feel all the feels; let the hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. all flow through you. Now I'm not saying let them take over, but feel into them. If you need a day curled up in bed, take it (just stay away from the Hallmark channel lol). If you need to scream and yell, go for it. If you're feeling depressed or lonely, call a friend and ask them to come over. Journal your feelings and thoughts; let them flow out onto the paper. Every day you will face different emotions at varying levels. Feel into those and progress through them. As humans, we have a tendency to replay the scenario over and over. It is part of the healing process, but not a healthy part in my opinion. Here’s why, when we replay over and over we are dwelling on the past, the hurt, the what if’s. We are living in victim mode. Dwelling on the negative keeps us on that negative vibration, which leaves us feeling low. Negativity drains your energy. Also, we tend to focus on what we could have done to save it, or what we did to make it happen, which again isn't helpful. Instead, focus on positive affirmations. Take back your power! Feel through it, let it out and then stand up strong and proud and take that first step forward. YOU are beautiful! YOU are smart! YOU are funny ! YOU ARE ENOUGH! As I also advised in the Embracing Forgiveness blog two weeks ago, another exercise I use quite often in my coaching is writing letters. They never have to be sent, but it's a very therapeutic way for you to get all your feelings out on paper. This is a free writing exercise. No one is ever going to read it, so be honest and say everything that needs to be said. Note: If you do want to send a letter to the person, I encourage you to write at least 3 versions before you send it. You need to process the hurt and pain and arrive at a place of healing first. Otherwise your letter will just be creating more hurt and pain for the both of you. The most important piece through all of this though is self-care. Make sure you are well taken care of emotionally, mentally and physically. Rest when needed, exercise, eat healthy foods and drink lots of water, spend time with loved ones who are positive and supportive, etc. Self-care will help you heal and focus on the journey to healing.There is light at the end of this dark tunnel and there will come the day where you look back and are grateful for the lessons learned through this. I'll leave you with this quote: An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be. ~ Unknown Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! When is the last time you scheduled fun? When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried and maybe peed your pants a little (if you've had kids, you know what I'm talking about lol).
When we become stressed or overwhelmed, fun is one of the first things sacrificed. Why is that? Because having fun often feels irresponsible. However, the reality is fun is necessary to boost your creativity. Think about kids; they are super creative, imaginative and relaxed. They also have fun way more than us boring, responsible adults. I get that you have things to do, bills to pay, etc., but where can you fit in more fun? There is a reason why Google employees are paid to play beach volleyball, go bowling or scale a climbing wall and why employees at LinkedIn can play foosball or ping-pong when they tire of answering emails. Play has been proven to increase motivation and productivity. It can also lower your stress levels and boost your optimism. According to The Mayo Clinic, a good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:
Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long term. Laughter may:
Make it a priority this week to schedule in some fun, play and laughter! Next time you are overwhelmed and stressed, watch a funny movie/video, play with your kids, invite some friends over for game night, dance like no one is watching, etc. The ideas for fun and laughter are endless, so be creative! :) Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! “It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” ~ Maya Angelou
The definition of forgiveness is "the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven". Did you catch that? Forgiveness is an action. I think a lot of people say the words, but fail to take the necessary action. I know I've been guilty of that! What about forgiving yourself? Are there things you've done or mistakes you've made that you're still holding onto? How are those manifesting currently? Do you have digestive issues, chronic back pain, headaches, etc? Those could be physical signs you're holding onto negative emotions that are not serving you. For me, negative emotions/vibrations almost always show up as digestive issues and headaches. When these symptoms arise, I know there is work I need to do. I once heard a great analogy about two men who each get bit by a snake. One man takes out his knife, cuts open the wound and sucks out the poison. The other man takes out his knife and runs after the snake to kill him. That man dies in the process of getting revenge. Imagine the snake is someone who harmed you. Most of us chase after the person to make them feel the pain, show them they were wrong, find ways to get back at them, etc. But that poison is still in our veins and slowly killing us. On the contrary though, if we remove that poison and get to the root of the wound, we are able to move past and flourish. That doesn't mean we absolve them of their actions and the hurt they created, but it does mean we step out of victim mode and face the feelings inside of us that were stirred up. When we are hurt, our typical reaction is to hurt back, so we don't have to face the insecurities that were triggered in us. But what if instead, we got to the root of those insecurities and focused our energy on healing them. Whether it's someone else you need to forgive, or yourself, take some time this week to process and remove those poisons. Grab a pen and some paper, it's action time! Write "I forgive you for" and list out all the things you need to let go of and move past. If you are forgiving someone else, make sure to include their name. Another exercise I use quite often in my coaching is writing letters. They never have to be sent, but it's a very therapeutic way for you to get all your feelings out on paper. This is a free writing exercise. No one is ever going to read it, so be honest and say everything that needs to be said. Note: If you do want to send a letter to the person, I encourage you to write at least 3 versions before you send it. You need to process the hurt and pain and arrive at a place of healing first. Otherwise your letter will just be creating more hurt and pain for the both of you. According to The Mayo Clinic, letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:
As you can see, embracing forgiveness is a critical component to our overall health and happiness. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! How does that word make you feel? Does it trigger you, make your eye twitch, are you starting to sweat a little? For most people failure = negative. For me though, failure is positive. Failure means I am trying, and with trying comes learning and growing.
Now don't get me wrong, I have had failures knock me on my ass. The most painful failures I have experienced are related to motherhood and rooted deep in shame. They impacted me so greatly, because my entire identity was attached to being a mother. I had bought into the false pretenses that as a mother you must give up everything, including your own identity to be a good mom. Being the over-achiever that I am, I took this to a whole new level lol. I was so caught up in what I was supposed to be and upholding the image of "perfect mom" (which is total BS by the way) that I had some extremely low moments that involved ugly crying, curled up in the fetal position in bed. I also missed out on numerous opportunities, because I was playing it safe, staying small and comfortable. Looking back, I could have avoided those moments if I had viewed failures in motherhood the same way I view failures in my career. In my career, I welcomed failure. Why? Because failure = opportunity, progress, growth. I was constantly trying new things, reflecting on the outcome and making the necessary tweaks to improve the next iteration. My identity was not attached to my career, which removed shame from the equation. On the contrary though, I know people who have built their identity on their career, which makes it difficult for them to be willing to take risks that may have unfavorable results. Failure to them is essentially the same as putting their job on the line. Therefore, they play it safe and follow the rules so as not to stand out. Take a moment to reflect on where shame and fear of failure is holding you back. Where are you staying small & comfortable to avoid those uncomfortable feelings? Where are you living according to image and expectations instead of boldly and unapologetically being you? Where could you step forward into your authentic self and release fear from the equation? Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Gratitude is something we hear talked about a lot, but when is the last time you consistently practiced it? I've caught myself numerous times taking things for granted, forgetting how blessed I am to be alive, have a loving family, a tribe of badasses, a roof over my head, nice clothes to wear, healthy food to eat, etc.
It's not that I don't appreciate those things, I truly do, but sometimes I forget to be grateful for all my blessings. Coming from a place of scarcity, I was always clawing and fighting for more. My self-worth came from my ability to work hard, hustle and grind. When I dropped out of high school at the age of 16, my mother and grandmother both told me I would never amount to anything without my high school diploma and college degree. When I became a single mom at the young age of 21, my mother and grandmother again were very critical and said I could never do it on my own and must marry the father. While those words hurt deeply at the time, I now know they were just scared for me and speaking their own limiting beliefs. But those words fueled me for years. It was "dirty fuel", but it lit a fire in me. I was bound and determined to prove them wrong and I did; I built a very successful 6-figure career in Corporate Training and Leadership with a GED and no college degree. However, it came at a cost. While my focus was hell bent on proving them wrong, I never stopped to enjoy the journey. I was always aiming for my next move, but I was stressed out and overwhelmed. Why? Because there was never enough. I was never good enough and I didn't have enough nice things to show that I'd made it. It was just never enough. I needed more to prove myself. Fast-forward to when my daughter moved out. I down-sized from a 1400 sq ft apartment to a 545 sq ft studio. It was time to purge, and boy was that therapeutic! I had to justify everything I was keeping and with that came a lot of letting go. Letting go of things that did not serve me that I had hung onto for far too long. It was quite an eye opening process. The even bigger AHA moment was when I realized my beautiful studio was costing me so much more than $2,300/mo in rent. I was rent poor. I was having to work harder and hustle and grind even more just to afford to live there, which was cutting into my much needed personal time. Not to mention the people who lived there were not my kind of people. It was one of those places where no one says hello to you, not even when you're in the elevator together. For someone who says hello and smiles to everyone, that was awkward lol. After learning these lessons, now I routinely ask myself, does this (person, job, thing, place, etc.) add value to my life? If yes, how so, can I quantify the value it brings? If not, is it time to let it go/move on? The lessons learned? You can't force gratitude or abundance. You must be grateful for everything, big and small. This is why so many successful people practice gratitude daily. It truly does impact your life in immeasurable ways. Make it a habit to begin or end each day by writing down at least three things you are grateful for. And as for abundance, if you are striving for abundance with "dirty fuel", you will never truly achieve it. Abundance comes to those who are grateful. If you have a roof over your head, clothes to wear and food to eat, you need to recognize that you are already living in abundance. :) John C. Maxwell wrote a great article in Success Magazine titled 6 Tips to Develop and Model an Abundance Mindset. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! |