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LIVE BY DESIGN, NOT DEFAULT
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LIVE BY DESIGN, NOT DEFAULT
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Last week we discussed saying YES to ourselves, adventures and possibilities. Conversely, this week I want to discuss the power in saying no. No to people and things that do not serve us. Most of us should say no more often we do. We should set healthy boundaries and protect ourselves. But the reality is, we often don't for fear of confrontation or being judged.
I recently got triggered AF by someone. You know that person…the one who knowingly or unknowingly pushes all of your buttons. For me, it's that person who takes, takes, and takes some more; that person who has no regard for anyone else. They're the only person that matters and you just need to accept that (at least that's how it feels). In hindsight, I know what I should have done. I should have pulled the person aside and had a conversation. I should have set healthy boundaries and clear expectations. I should have done this to protect my space and the space of others. However, I did not... What I have learned through all of this, including London and some other recent circumstances, is that I need time to process; I need quiet and space. I need to feel into the situation. I can be great on the fly and in the moment, but for the bigger life opportunities and challenges, I need time to feel into what's right for me. While I may regret not having spoken up in the moment, this time to process has given me the opportunity to reflect on the situation and prepare for how I will handle it the next time it occurs, whether it be this same person or another. I've had time to look inward and reflect on what thoughts and feelings occurred in the moment that held me back. I think it's as hard to start saying yes to adventure and possibility as it is to say no to people, places and things that no longer serve us. Both challenge us, both can take us out of our comfort zone, both can include uncomfortable feelings and conversations, both are a muscle we need to build. Through all of these situations, we are building resistance and strengthening those muscles. We are finding our way, learning how to communicate better, learning how to communicate our needs and wants. They are simply stepping stones on our journey. I talked about boundaries in April and ended the blog with some resources. I am going to include them here again, because they are both extremely valuable and helpful. During my first session with my energy healer, she introduced me to the sway test. If you've never heard of this, look it up. It's remarkable! When you are faced with a difficult decision or something is weighing heavy on your heart, try this and feel into what your soul is trying to communicate to you.
If your soul/subconscious is in alignment (AKA Yes) you will sway forward. If it's not in alignment (AKA No), you will sway backward. There's also a great book called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Have you ever felt like certain things in life just aren't in the cards for you? They're totally acceptable options for other people, but they're not meant for you. So due to this belief, you never pursue the possibility.
Last week I shared some pretty big news about traveling to London to speak and of course also explore. Update...I also just added 3 days in Ireland and am over the moon with excitement. I cannot wait for this trip! Only one month to go! The funny thing is, although I knew in my gut this trip was meant to be, when I booked the first flight to London my immediate subconscious thought was "things like this aren't meant for me". WHOA! Stopped me in my tracks and my eyes began welling up with tears. You see my Sister has had extraordinary adventures traveling all over the world; Ireland, Italy, Amsterdam, Australia, New Zealand, and more. While she was exploring the world, I was a full-time working single mother. Trips like that truly weren't an option at that time. But somehow that settled in as a belief, at least subconsciously. Which explains why, even though travel has been on my bucket list for some while, I haven't taken action. I mentioned in my last blog too that my initial reaction to this offer in March was no; I didn't even entertain the thought. Looking back, that was most likely due to this belief I had created. But here's the great news, I said YES! Yes to myself, yes to the possibilities, yes to the adventure and experiences YES YES YES. Once I was open, everything changed, my entire perspective opened up. I will carry this openness with me throughout the trip, leading to even more opportunities and experiences. You guys, I'm just a small town country girl from the PNW, a high school dropout who was told she would never amount to anything, a single mom who fought like hell to build a better life for her daughter. Everything I am and everything I have, I have built from scratch. I have come so far and yet my masterpiece is still in process. A couple resources that have helped me through this experience, there's a great book written by Shonda Rhimes called Year of Yes. In it she tells amazing stories of how, even as an extremely successful woman and mother, her entire world changed when she began saying yes. Then there's the wonder of body code work and energy healing. Traumas, beliefs, abandonment, PTSD, are all held in our body. Even if we have mentally and emotionally processed them, their energy still remains on a physical level. Some aren't even ours, they are passed down from previous generations through our DNA. I have an amazing energy healer and body code practitioner, Susan, and would gladly give you her info if you're interested. This adventure has only just begun and yet it has already taught me so much. If you take anything from this blog, please take this...every happiness, every adventure, every wonderful experience is meant for you. It just takes you being open to possibilities and willing to say YES. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Last week I shared with you my shitstorm of a week and how focusing on self-care helped me to bounce back. Well, as the saying goes "After every storm comes a rainbow".
Before I share what happened, I'd like to preface this by saying that only a month before on March 30th, I had received the same opportunity and turned it down. Now, I can't tell you exactly why, but for some reason at that time, I was unwilling to entertain the idea. Maybe it was my subconscious, maybe I was tired, maybe I was preoccupied with other things, I really can't say. All I do know is, the timing obviously wasn't right. However, only a month later on May 4th, when I received the same offer I was ALL IN! Ok, I'll spill the beans...next month I will be traveling to London to speak at the Public Speaker's Conference! This is an epic moment for me on so many levels. I've never left the West Coast or been on a flight longer than 3 hours. After my grandfather died in 2016, I got my first passport, but I have yet to use it. Travel has always been on my to-do list. I have friends who travel all the time and I think "awe, how nice would that be...", but I never actually take action. Then there's the fact that this audience is going to be over double what I'm used to. I've spent two decades of my life teaching and speaking publicly; however, it's always been with smaller, more intimate sized groups. This will definitely be a new personal best. But here's the reality, nothing good ever comes from your comfort zone. In 2015 when I received the job offer that moved me to Los Angeles, I initially said "no, I can't do that and here's all the reasons why..." and then after processing and feeling into it, that language changed to "why not?". I had no idea how small and comfortable I was living until I was willing to step away from my comfort zone and try something new. Fast forward...I absolutely love LA and my life has been radically transformed in the short 3.5 years I have lived here. All because I was willing to entertain the crazy idea. I can't wait to see what this trip to London brings! I know with absolute certainty that every single time I've stretched myself and was willing to get uncomfortable, everything changed and doors opened that I had never even dreamt of. Now, I'm not saying there was no fear, hesitation or worry. There most definitely was, but I was willing to step into the fear to see what was on the other side. This week, perform an audit of your life. Are you where you want to be in business, career, relationships, finances, love, spiritual connection, etc? Where can you level up your life? Where have you become complacent and too comfortable? What's not serving you that you are willing to let go of or step away from? Are you willing to take a leap through the fear and witness the magic unfold? If you want help doing this, you can download my free assessment and book a call with me to discuss the results. Just look for the Free Assessment w/Consultation button on my website. I'll leave you with this "Courage doesn't mean you don't get afraid. Courage means you don't let fear stop you." Bethany Hamilton Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! After what I would consider one of the most challenging weeks of my life, I find myself in reflection and gratitude. I won't bore you with all the details, but I was working a ton of hours on a critical consulting project and lacking sleeping, then throw in the anniversary of a dear friend's death, getting dumped and losing 4 days worth of work all in the same day.
I may be resilient and have thick skin, but we all have our limits and this debacle definitely crossed that threshold for me. While reflecting back on the week though, I am able to highlight some areas where I'm really proud of myself for how I handled the it all. My gut reaction was to lock myself inside like a hermit and work non-stop all weekend to recreate all the work I lost. However, I recognized, while busy work may keep my mind off things, it wasn't what my soul needed. If I wanted to bounce back, I needed connection, laughter and friends. So, instead I followed through on my weekend plans which included Saturday night at The Magic Castle in Hollywood and celebrating a friends's birthday on Sunday. For me, that was a huge win! The old me would have never prioritized me or self-care in times like this. I would have automatically withdrawn and gone into "fix-it mode", because it's easier than facing reality and sitting in all the feelings. I think sometimes life throws these curve balls at us so we can see how far we've come. It's a reminder that we're on the right path and we should continue to put in the work. I can tell you, none of this happened over night. I began my inner work seven years ago and, like everyone else, am still a wonderful work in progress. Our healing and transformation will never be done; we just face different challenges throughout time. Take a moment this week to reflect on some moments that really challenged you. How did you handle them? How did you heal/recover? Did you speak up for and/or prioritize yourself? What lessons did you learn? With this, I caution you to not obsess or overanalyze. That often leads down a rabbit hole of disappointment and shame. Instead, simply be self-aware recognizing your proudest accomplishments and where you still have some work to do. We often neglect to celebrate ourselves and our accomplishments. Plan something this week to pamper yourself. I scheduled a facial and scalp massage and cannot wait! <3 Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Are you what some would call determined, strong-willed or maybe even stubborn? Ya, me too lol. While it has served me in many aspects of my life, it has also taken me down some rabbit holes.
I've realized in that determination, I have at times put on blinders. I was so attached to achieving my desired outcome, I didn't even realize I was forcing something to happen my way, instead of letting it unfold the way it was meant to. This goes for all aspects of our lives; money, job/career/business, relationships, friendships, etc. When we try to force these things, it usually ends in us feeling frustrated, depleted and at times, even insecure. Forcing love leads to resentment, forcing success leads to anxiety, forcing respect leads to anger and hurt. Forcing things to happen also subconsciously says you're not enough. You may have gotten what you wanted, but it typically ends in you feeling inadequate and unworthy, because it didn't come to you freely. Whereas, on the other hand, you can step back into freedom, calm and presence and allow what's meant for you. Everything always has a way of working out the way it should. The problem is, we often get in the way. When looking for a new job or applying for a promotion, stand in your power, knowing that the right one will find you. Trust me, you would rather not be picked for the wrong job, because ultimately it won't result in your fulfillment and happiness. Same with relationships and friendships, if it's uncomfortable and you have to force it, then it's not meant for you. Seek out those relationships that are easy and flow naturally. The ones that just click from the beginning. This year, I've been really focused on stepping back, letting go and surrendering to what will be. I've also done a lot of inner work around being open to receiving, which I'll talk more about next week. Instead of forcing things, I have simply set intentions for my desires. I can tell you, the shift is unbelievable and amazing to witness. Instead of New Year's resolutions, I set intentions for 2019 and then I let go of any expectations of how it "should be" and I surrendered. Before the end of March, three of my desires became a reality. And not because of anything I did. I set the intention and then just followed my intuition and what felt right. In all three cases, it led me straight where I needed to be. In making this shift, I have found there is much more calm, peace and freedom in allowing what is meant for me instead of forcing what is not. This week, where can you let go, stop forcing things and just be? Be in presence, be in love, be in compassion, be in freedom and see what magic unfolds. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! I'm taking a little "me time" break, so there will be no blog today. I hope you find a way to do the same today or this week for yourself, because you deserve it. <3
Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Lately, I've witnessed a few good friends get caught in confrontational situations. On each of these encounters, the situation had become escalated simply because they had not spoken up and communicated clear boundaries early on.
When we don't set healthy boundaries, we become victim to expectations and those unspoken expectations can lead to the demise of any relationship. Think back to a time when you had a disagreement with someone. Did that disagreement occur due to the fact that one of you had expectations for the other that were never communicated? It happens all the time. We are often too fearful of losing that person to speak up. This happens in business all the time too. You don't want to lose that client/customer, so you just go along with it. But the reality is, the other person has no idea, so there is no way they can meet you halfway. Which leaves us in a no-win situation. You end up getting upset or feeling resentful toward that person, when really they have done nothing wrong. By you not speaking up, you have made them the villain, but you're the one who's put yourself in this predicament. Have you ever paid attention to who makes you the most anxious? Chances are, it's the person you feel has certain expectations for you, but you are too afraid to speak up and set boundaries for yourself or the relationship. Here’s a harsh dose of reality though, people will continue to take advantage until you speak up. Read that again! You can continue to suffer in silence, be stressed out, anxious and become resentful OR…you can learn the practice of saying no, communicating clearly and setting healthy boundaries. It takes strength and the willingness to be vulnerable and at times uncomfortable. In having these discussions, I have often found the person didn’t even realize how I was feeling because I had never spoken up. Having a simple conversation and setting some ground rules not only rectified the issue, but it also strengthened our relationship. I work with an amazing energy healer and during our first session, she had me do the sway test. If you've never heard of this, look it up. It's remarkable! When you are faced with a difficult decision or something is weighing heavy on your heart, try this and feel into what your soul is trying to communicate to you.
If it's not in alignment (AKA No), you will sway backward. There's also a great book called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! We've all heard the saying "it takes a village" when it comes to raising children. However, the same is true for us even as adults.
Right before my 38th birthday, I left my tiny little town and moved to Los Angeles. I quickly became aware of the fact that since I was a child, I had always had community, I never had to go looking. But now, new to L.A., I had to intentionally and strategically seek out and build a new community. I won't go into all the details of how, but I explored groups on Meetup, attended networking groups and found events that were aligned with my values and interests. I say all this to share a story from this past weekend. One of the women I met through eWomen Network, a national women's networking group, was hosting an event in Las Vegas. Thanks to Holly, I am a #1 Best Selling Author; she pursued me for the 40/40 Rules: Wisdom from 40 Women Over 40 book and made it an easy yes. Holly is also a Prosperity Business Coach and has become a wonderful friend. Holly invited me to her event and I was happy to support. Plus, my best friend lives in Vegas, so I also got to catch up with her and her family. It was a win/win! I had no expectations for the weekend. I was simply going to support one friend and visit another. However, I did set some intentions. I asked that this weekend be full of growth, great conversation, I wanted to meet new people and most importantly, I set the intention to be fully present and listen to my intuition. Let me tell you, I got all that and so much more! Little did I know what the Universe had in store for me. Both days of the event, the lunch break included a mastermind session. There were a total of four tables and I set the intention to go to the table I felt the most called to. Day one, I knew I was at the right table when I met an amazing mentor and partner for my training consulting business. Day two, I again followed my gut and it led me to the table where I was yet again connected to a phenomenal woman and partner for my coaching business. Both of these women are perfectly aligned with my goals for 2019, one for the consulting and one for the coaching side of my business. Another one of my 2019 goals is to schedule more public speaking. At the end of day two, Holly asked me to be one of the speakers at her next event. I could have never anticipated the outcome of the weekend. I literally had goose bumps. I made one small choice, find a women's networking group as part of my community and it led me here. In addition to Holly, I met Jessica who is a social media and marketing genius, Penni who helps me with everything related to taxes and accounting, Jen who is a soul sister at the core (maybe cause we're both from WA, but I think it's more than that lol), Cathy who is a business coach focused on freedom and fulfillment from your divine feminine. All of these women are treasured friends who lift me up, hold me accountable and remind me of my strength when I sometimes can't see it myself. I would not have any of these amazing women in my life had I not intentionally and strategically sought out MY community. It's also through these women, and more, that I have made extraordinary connections, just like this past weekend at Holly's event. It truly does take a village and I am so very grateful for mine! <3 Share in the comments what intentions you're setting for creating your community. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! I learned this lesson the hard way, not just once, but twice. When my daughter was 3 years old and again when she was 15, it took being on the verge of a complete breakdown for me to take a much needed break. Both times I was literally hanging by a thread at the point where not taking a break was no longer optional.
As a single mom living paycheck to paycheck there were 1,000+ reasons why I couldn't; time off work, who's going to watch her, don't have the money, it seems frivolous when funds are tight and on and on and on. I look back now and there were so many signs and so many missed opportunities to decompress, rejuvenate and fill my cup, but I was too in the thick of it to notice. Last weekend, my cousin who is a music teacher and a single mom with three kids, ages 15, 12 and 10, made it a priority and found a way to bring her two younger kids to LegoLand for a fun filled weekend. She used money from her tax return, scheduled red-eye flights Thursday night and Sunday morning, so she only had to take one day off work & it saved her money and made arrangements with a friend for her oldest. It was a whirlwind weekend, but they had a blast. I drove down to spend Saturday with them. We had an amazing day full of fun and belly laughs, at one point I had my cousin laughing so hard, she almost fell out of her bed. And the kids, they were smiling from ear to ear. At the end of the day, my cousin and I were lounging poolside while the kids swam reflecting on how so many parents, especially single parents, don't prioritize fun, play and vacation, but how necessary it is for the kids AND the parents. Then today, I receive a call from my Sister. She received an offer for a trip to Mexico that will barely cost her anything, but she can't decide what to do. Between the kids, her business, lack of time and money...she has every reason to regretfully decline. But, she called the wrong person lol! I wasn't about to let that happen. I love my sister dearly, I know how hard she works and I know how desperately she could use some relaxation and a good recharge. I went straight into problem solving mode, shooting down her invalid excuses and offering solutions for the valid ones. I am happy to report she will be taking a much needed vacation! You think you can't afford a vacation, but the reality is you can't afford not to! You can't hustle and grind every day with no self-care or fun. That is a recipe for disaster...or worse, a breakdown, which leaves you unable to care for those who rely on you. Instead of pushing yourself to the breaking point, learn from the lessons of my cousin, my sister and myself. I know my cousin went home a different and more whole person than when she came to California. I know my sister will return to her kids and business fully charged having left her overwhelm and stress in Mexico. Find a way, ask for help, be open to receiving and commit to making it happen. I promise, you will thank me later. :) Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Lately my sister and I have been seeing repeated numbers. For her, it's 123. For me, it's 11:11. Then a friend told her about Angel Numbers. Neither of us can recall ever hearing of these before, so of course we automatically looked them up and WOW.
One, it's amazing what the Universe is trying to help us see. And two, it's truly remarkable how much your perspective changes when you're open and present. Once you see your message in a number a couple of times, you start seeing it all the time as a constant reminder. 123 "urges you to be faithful to your life purpose. Don't be distracted by things and people that keep you from working on your goals." At the time, my sister was feeling very distracted and overwhelmed. Unable to focus and manage her time in a way that was beneficial to her and her goals. 1111 "is a special message from your guardian angels indicating your ability to connect with the Ascended Masters in the angelic realm. It is your connection with the angelic realm, God, or Source Energy that determines your ability to manifest your desires and achieve your full potential." I have always been an empath and hypersensitive to energies. However, at times, I fail to listen to my own intuition and end up off track. For both of us, these numbers were sending us the exact message at the exact time we needed the reminder. It's also a reminder to me that the Universe is always trying to help us and show us the way. We just have to be open to receiving the message. Lately, while laying in bed winding down for the night, I receive some of my best downloads. I've realized I need to have a pen and paper on my nightstand so I can write them down. The few times I didn't, I was very upset that I could not recall them the next morning. For me, that quiet, peaceful time right before bed is when my inner voice is able to clearly communicate. There is no noise or chatter to drown it out. For others, it may be during meditation or yoga. The point is to find your time. When are you most open to receiving the messages? Where can you quiet the noise and chatter so as to hear the message? We all receive message in all sorts of ways...if we're open to hearing them. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! |