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LIVE BY DESIGN, NOT DEFAULT
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Ahhhh, parenting. One of life's greatest blessings and biggest challenges all rolled into one. I've said this many times to many people; You're going to fuck up your kids. Not in the same way your parents fucked you up, but in new ways by overcompensating for what you believe were your parent's mistakes.
Most of us want to do better and give our children a better life than we had. However, there is no manual, there is no "right" way and we're imperfect humans dealing with our own shit too. Some of my biggest life failures and hardest lessons came from motherhood. I did not have a safe or comfortable childhood, so I made it my life mission to provide that for my daughter. However, in doing so, I robbed her of the opportunity to learn from her mistakes, problem solve and overcome adversity. By overcompensating, I created an environment that was too safe and too comfortable. I protected her from hurt and heartache, instead of allowing those to teach her about healing, forgiveness and compassion. I was so caught up in providing her a better life and upholding my image, that I failed to be present and enjoy the journey. I had a fear of being seen, so when my very spirited child was being ridiculously goofy in public, I made her tone it down for fear of her being embarrassed or made fun of. I thought all of these things were for her protection, but really they were harming her and hindering her ability to function as an adult in the real world. I know other parents who want so badly for their kids to like them, or be their BFF, that the parent/child lines are blurred. Or because they felt like they had no say as a kid, they allow their children too much say and have created an unhealthy imbalance of authority with no boundaries. I've learned we can't protect our kids from life. This is how they learn. What we can do is love them unconditionally, not just let them be goofy, but celebrate their unique character, create a safe space with structure, openly communicate (even the tough shit) and set the example. In order to parent better, you have to be willing to do the inner work. If you are not happy and well-balanced, how can you expect your children to be? Again, there is no manual or "right" way. We all make mistakes. I am no parenting expert, but I have learned a lot over the years and I encourage you to start to think about your parenting style and analyze if your choices are:
One of the most important lessons we can teach our children, in my humble opinion, is accountability; genuinely apologize when you make a mistake, cause it's going to happen. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default!
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Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new. Brian Tracy According to Wikipedia, the comfort zone is defined as “a behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance.” Wow! Notice those words; anxiety-neutral, limited and steady. Does that sound like a place you can flourish and be your best self? As a very young child, we develop patterns, routines and thoughts that become deeply rooted survival mechanisms. They have shaped our character, how we show up in this world and the types of decisions we make. For example, if you grew up in a house that was always loud, chaotic and unpredictable, you will either recreate that in your adult life, because it's your comfort zone or you will swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and be rigid, controlled and ultra-organized. Either way, your experiences as a child have created your reality as an adult. My comfort zone was all about having control and portraying an image of perfection. I upheld that for years. For others, it may be staying in a dysfunctional relationship because dysfunction is all you've ever known. I once had a conversation with a young guy, probably around 24, who had been in a relationship for 3 years. His partner wanted marriage and kids. He knew she was not the one. However, he was more fearful of ending it and moving on than he was of staying in an unhappy relationship. It had become comfortable and he wasn't willing to get uncomfortable. But there's a cost to staying comfortable. When we're comfortable, we are not learning or growing. We're not having the necessary difficult conversations with ourselves and others. Pause for a moment to reflect on your routines, daily thoughts and your choices. Are you noticing a pattern? Do you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? It's shocking, right?
You are only confined by the walls you build yourself. You can survive in your comfort zone, but if you truly want to thrive, you must be willing to get uncomfortable. Are you willing to step outside those walls and see what wonderful things are on the other side? This week, challenge yourself to change at least one thing and watch the magic unfold. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! As women, we tend to be hypercritical of ourselves and especially of our bodies. We look at social media, magazines, TV and compare ourselves to other women. What is the effect of comparison? We think they are better, which makes us feel like we're less than enough. But who decided what this supposed golden standard is? There is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt; No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
So really, its YOU. You are the one deciding what the standard is and then deeming yourself not worthy. I was always the chubby kid being made fun of by kids in school and even some of my own family members. I wasn't taught healthy eating habits and yet I was still shamed for being overweight. As if it was my fault for not knowing better as a child. This shame stayed with me for years. My weight was my armor, my protective shield. As unreasonable as it sounds, I felt like my weight protected me from being seen and not being seen equated to not being hurt. As someone whose weight has greatly fluctuated over the years, so has my body image and shame. Until the day I decided to love myself no matter where I was in the journey. The reality is women of all sizes struggle with body image/shame. I know women who are small and have the healthy, toned, "ideal" body and yet still struggle with body image. They won't wear tank tops cause they don't like their arms or won't wear short skirts cause they hate their legs or want to hide their varicose veins. Then there are women obsessed with losing that last 5-10lbs and it consumes their life. They cannot find happiness until they reach that goal on the scale. Men struggle too with body image. I recently had a long conversation with a guy who was afraid of putting himself back into the dating scene because he had put on a few extra pounds. I asked him if he wanted to find someone who only cared what he looked like externally or if he wanted someone to like him for who he is, his character and values. My advice was if he wanted to lose weight for his health, great. But if he wanted to lose weight because he felt like he wasn't enough, then he needed to spend some time reflecting on what that meant and where it was coming from. The moment I found love for myself, was the moment my entire life changed. I began walking taller with my head high, my wardrobe changed cause I was no longer trying to hide myself, I began to glow and my smile became genuine instead of forced. And people started to notice and comment. I recently had two friends tell me I was elegant and refined; two words I would never have used to describe myself, but that was their truth in how they saw me and how I carry myself. There's no handbook or "proven system" for you to follow. You must simply make a decision. Your true beauty will emerge the moment you decide to simply love yourself wherever you are in your journey. Let go of this false "ideal" image. We are all flawed humans, we all have those things that bother us about ourselves, but that's what makes us uniquely us. This world would be a very boring place if all humans were alike. Celebrate your magical uniqueness and share it with everyone around you! I promise, you will notice a difference and so will those around you. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! We've all heard the song Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka and boy is it true. Depending on the circumstances, it may be down right brutal. Whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship, it is not easy. In either scenario, there is time invested, connection built, shared experiences and intimate details revealed.
In most cases a relationship dissolves because one party feels misunderstood, disrespected, minimized, and/or hurt. Other times it could be something as simple as growing apart. I've experienced both and neither is easy. In each scenario, we find ourselves grieving what was lost and that is a process we must go through to come out the other side stronger and healthier. In order to heal, we must let go of unrealistic expectation of how we "should" react and just feel all the feels; let the hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. all flow through you. Now I'm not saying let them take over, but feel into them. If you need a day curled up in bed, take it (just stay away from the Hallmark channel lol). If you need to scream and yell, go for it. If you're feeling depressed or lonely, call a friend and ask them to come over. Journal your feelings and thoughts; let them flow out onto the paper. Every day you will face different emotions at varying levels. Feel into those and progress through them. As humans, we have a tendency to replay the scenario over and over. It is part of the healing process, but not a healthy part in my opinion. Here’s why, when we replay over and over we are dwelling on the past, the hurt, the what if’s. We are living in victim mode. Dwelling on the negative keeps us on that negative vibration, which leaves us feeling low. Negativity drains your energy. Also, we tend to focus on what we could have done to save it, or what we did to make it happen, which again isn't helpful. Instead, focus on positive affirmations. Take back your power! Feel through it, let it out and then stand up strong and proud and take that first step forward. YOU are beautiful! YOU are smart! YOU are funny ! YOU ARE ENOUGH! As I also advised in the Embracing Forgiveness blog two weeks ago, another exercise I use quite often in my coaching is writing letters. They never have to be sent, but it's a very therapeutic way for you to get all your feelings out on paper. This is a free writing exercise. No one is ever going to read it, so be honest and say everything that needs to be said. Note: If you do want to send a letter to the person, I encourage you to write at least 3 versions before you send it. You need to process the hurt and pain and arrive at a place of healing first. Otherwise your letter will just be creating more hurt and pain for the both of you. The most important piece through all of this though is self-care. Make sure you are well taken care of emotionally, mentally and physically. Rest when needed, exercise, eat healthy foods and drink lots of water, spend time with loved ones who are positive and supportive, etc. Self-care will help you heal and focus on the journey to healing.There is light at the end of this dark tunnel and there will come the day where you look back and are grateful for the lessons learned through this. I'll leave you with this quote: An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be. ~ Unknown Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! |
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