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As women, we tend to be hypercritical of ourselves and especially of our bodies. We look at social media, magazines, TV and compare ourselves to other women. What is the effect of comparison? We think they are better, which makes us feel like we're less than enough. But who decided what this supposed golden standard is? There is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt; No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
So really, its YOU. You are the one deciding what the standard is and then deeming yourself not worthy. I was always the chubby kid being made fun of by kids in school and even some of my own family members. I wasn't taught healthy eating habits and yet I was still shamed for being overweight. As if it was my fault for not knowing better as a child. This shame stayed with me for years. My weight was my armor, my protective shield. As unreasonable as it sounds, I felt like my weight protected me from being seen and not being seen equated to not being hurt. As someone whose weight has greatly fluctuated over the years, so has my body image and shame. Until the day I decided to love myself no matter where I was in the journey. The reality is women of all sizes struggle with body image/shame. I know women who are small and have the healthy, toned, "ideal" body and yet still struggle with body image. They won't wear tank tops cause they don't like their arms or won't wear short skirts cause they hate their legs or want to hide their varicose veins. Then there are women obsessed with losing that last 5-10lbs and it consumes their life. They cannot find happiness until they reach that goal on the scale. Men struggle too with body image. I recently had a long conversation with a guy who was afraid of putting himself back into the dating scene because he had put on a few extra pounds. I asked him if he wanted to find someone who only cared what he looked like externally or if he wanted someone to like him for who he is, his character and values. My advice was if he wanted to lose weight for his health, great. But if he wanted to lose weight because he felt like he wasn't enough, then he needed to spend some time reflecting on what that meant and where it was coming from. The moment I found love for myself, was the moment my entire life changed. I began walking taller with my head high, my wardrobe changed cause I was no longer trying to hide myself, I began to glow and my smile became genuine instead of forced. And people started to notice and comment. I recently had two friends tell me I was elegant and refined; two words I would never have used to describe myself, but that was their truth in how they saw me and how I carry myself. There's no handbook or "proven system" for you to follow. You must simply make a decision. Your true beauty will emerge the moment you decide to simply love yourself wherever you are in your journey. Let go of this false "ideal" image. We are all flawed humans, we all have those things that bother us about ourselves, but that's what makes us uniquely us. This world would be a very boring place if all humans were alike. Celebrate your magical uniqueness and share it with everyone around you! I promise, you will notice a difference and so will those around you. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default!
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We've all heard the song Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka and boy is it true. Depending on the circumstances, it may be down right brutal. Whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship, it is not easy. In either scenario, there is time invested, connection built, shared experiences and intimate details revealed.
In most cases a relationship dissolves because one party feels misunderstood, disrespected, minimized, and/or hurt. Other times it could be something as simple as growing apart. I've experienced both and neither is easy. In each scenario, we find ourselves grieving what was lost and that is a process we must go through to come out the other side stronger and healthier. In order to heal, we must let go of unrealistic expectation of how we "should" react and just feel all the feels; let the hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. all flow through you. Now I'm not saying let them take over, but feel into them. If you need a day curled up in bed, take it (just stay away from the Hallmark channel lol). If you need to scream and yell, go for it. If you're feeling depressed or lonely, call a friend and ask them to come over. Journal your feelings and thoughts; let them flow out onto the paper. Every day you will face different emotions at varying levels. Feel into those and progress through them. As humans, we have a tendency to replay the scenario over and over. It is part of the healing process, but not a healthy part in my opinion. Here’s why, when we replay over and over we are dwelling on the past, the hurt, the what if’s. We are living in victim mode. Dwelling on the negative keeps us on that negative vibration, which leaves us feeling low. Negativity drains your energy. Also, we tend to focus on what we could have done to save it, or what we did to make it happen, which again isn't helpful. Instead, focus on positive affirmations. Take back your power! Feel through it, let it out and then stand up strong and proud and take that first step forward. YOU are beautiful! YOU are smart! YOU are funny ! YOU ARE ENOUGH! As I also advised in the Embracing Forgiveness blog two weeks ago, another exercise I use quite often in my coaching is writing letters. They never have to be sent, but it's a very therapeutic way for you to get all your feelings out on paper. This is a free writing exercise. No one is ever going to read it, so be honest and say everything that needs to be said. Note: If you do want to send a letter to the person, I encourage you to write at least 3 versions before you send it. You need to process the hurt and pain and arrive at a place of healing first. Otherwise your letter will just be creating more hurt and pain for the both of you. The most important piece through all of this though is self-care. Make sure you are well taken care of emotionally, mentally and physically. Rest when needed, exercise, eat healthy foods and drink lots of water, spend time with loved ones who are positive and supportive, etc. Self-care will help you heal and focus on the journey to healing.There is light at the end of this dark tunnel and there will come the day where you look back and are grateful for the lessons learned through this. I'll leave you with this quote: An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be. ~ Unknown Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! When is the last time you scheduled fun? When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried and maybe peed your pants a little (if you've had kids, you know what I'm talking about lol).
When we become stressed or overwhelmed, fun is one of the first things sacrificed. Why is that? Because having fun often feels irresponsible. However, the reality is fun is necessary to boost your creativity. Think about kids; they are super creative, imaginative and relaxed. They also have fun way more than us boring, responsible adults. I get that you have things to do, bills to pay, etc., but where can you fit in more fun? There is a reason why Google employees are paid to play beach volleyball, go bowling or scale a climbing wall and why employees at LinkedIn can play foosball or ping-pong when they tire of answering emails. Play has been proven to increase motivation and productivity. It can also lower your stress levels and boost your optimism. According to The Mayo Clinic, a good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:
Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long term. Laughter may:
Make it a priority this week to schedule in some fun, play and laughter! Next time you are overwhelmed and stressed, watch a funny movie/video, play with your kids, invite some friends over for game night, dance like no one is watching, etc. The ideas for fun and laughter are endless, so be creative! :) Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! “It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” ~ Maya Angelou
The definition of forgiveness is "the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven". Did you catch that? Forgiveness is an action. I think a lot of people say the words, but fail to take the necessary action. I know I've been guilty of that! What about forgiving yourself? Are there things you've done or mistakes you've made that you're still holding onto? How are those manifesting currently? Do you have digestive issues, chronic back pain, headaches, etc? Those could be physical signs you're holding onto negative emotions that are not serving you. For me, negative emotions/vibrations almost always show up as digestive issues and headaches. When these symptoms arise, I know there is work I need to do. I once heard a great analogy about two men who each get bit by a snake. One man takes out his knife, cuts open the wound and sucks out the poison. The other man takes out his knife and runs after the snake to kill him. That man dies in the process of getting revenge. Imagine the snake is someone who harmed you. Most of us chase after the person to make them feel the pain, show them they were wrong, find ways to get back at them, etc. But that poison is still in our veins and slowly killing us. On the contrary though, if we remove that poison and get to the root of the wound, we are able to move past and flourish. That doesn't mean we absolve them of their actions and the hurt they created, but it does mean we step out of victim mode and face the feelings inside of us that were stirred up. When we are hurt, our typical reaction is to hurt back, so we don't have to face the insecurities that were triggered in us. But what if instead, we got to the root of those insecurities and focused our energy on healing them. Whether it's someone else you need to forgive, or yourself, take some time this week to process and remove those poisons. Grab a pen and some paper, it's action time! Write "I forgive you for" and list out all the things you need to let go of and move past. If you are forgiving someone else, make sure to include their name. Another exercise I use quite often in my coaching is writing letters. They never have to be sent, but it's a very therapeutic way for you to get all your feelings out on paper. This is a free writing exercise. No one is ever going to read it, so be honest and say everything that needs to be said. Note: If you do want to send a letter to the person, I encourage you to write at least 3 versions before you send it. You need to process the hurt and pain and arrive at a place of healing first. Otherwise your letter will just be creating more hurt and pain for the both of you. According to The Mayo Clinic, letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:
As you can see, embracing forgiveness is a critical component to our overall health and happiness. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! How does that word make you feel? Does it trigger you, make your eye twitch, are you starting to sweat a little? For most people failure = negative. For me though, failure is positive. Failure means I am trying, and with trying comes learning and growing.
Now don't get me wrong, I have had failures knock me on my ass. The most painful failures I have experienced are related to motherhood and rooted deep in shame. They impacted me so greatly, because my entire identity was attached to being a mother. I had bought into the false pretenses that as a mother you must give up everything, including your own identity to be a good mom. Being the over-achiever that I am, I took this to a whole new level lol. I was so caught up in what I was supposed to be and upholding the image of "perfect mom" (which is total BS by the way) that I had some extremely low moments that involved ugly crying, curled up in the fetal position in bed. I also missed out on numerous opportunities, because I was playing it safe, staying small and comfortable. Looking back, I could have avoided those moments if I had viewed failures in motherhood the same way I view failures in my career. In my career, I welcomed failure. Why? Because failure = opportunity, progress, growth. I was constantly trying new things, reflecting on the outcome and making the necessary tweaks to improve the next iteration. My identity was not attached to my career, which removed shame from the equation. On the contrary though, I know people who have built their identity on their career, which makes it difficult for them to be willing to take risks that may have unfavorable results. Failure to them is essentially the same as putting their job on the line. Therefore, they play it safe and follow the rules so as not to stand out. Take a moment to reflect on where shame and fear of failure is holding you back. Where are you staying small & comfortable to avoid those uncomfortable feelings? Where are you living according to image and expectations instead of boldly and unapologetically being you? Where could you step forward into your authentic self and release fear from the equation? Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Gratitude is something we hear talked about a lot, but when is the last time you consistently practiced it? I've caught myself numerous times taking things for granted, forgetting how blessed I am to be alive, have a loving family, a tribe of badasses, a roof over my head, nice clothes to wear, healthy food to eat, etc.
It's not that I don't appreciate those things, I truly do, but sometimes I forget to be grateful for all my blessings. Coming from a place of scarcity, I was always clawing and fighting for more. My self-worth came from my ability to work hard, hustle and grind. When I dropped out of high school at the age of 16, my mother and grandmother both told me I would never amount to anything without my high school diploma and college degree. When I became a single mom at the young age of 21, my mother and grandmother again were very critical and said I could never do it on my own and must marry the father. While those words hurt deeply at the time, I now know they were just scared for me and speaking their own limiting beliefs. But those words fueled me for years. It was "dirty fuel", but it lit a fire in me. I was bound and determined to prove them wrong and I did; I built a very successful 6-figure career in Corporate Training and Leadership with a GED and no college degree. However, it came at a cost. While my focus was hell bent on proving them wrong, I never stopped to enjoy the journey. I was always aiming for my next move, but I was stressed out and overwhelmed. Why? Because there was never enough. I was never good enough and I didn't have enough nice things to show that I'd made it. It was just never enough. I needed more to prove myself. Fast-forward to when my daughter moved out. I down-sized from a 1400 sq ft apartment to a 545 sq ft studio. It was time to purge, and boy was that therapeutic! I had to justify everything I was keeping and with that came a lot of letting go. Letting go of things that did not serve me that I had hung onto for far too long. It was quite an eye opening process. The even bigger AHA moment was when I realized my beautiful studio was costing me so much more than $2,300/mo in rent. I was rent poor. I was having to work harder and hustle and grind even more just to afford to live there, which was cutting into my much needed personal time. Not to mention the people who lived there were not my kind of people. It was one of those places where no one says hello to you, not even when you're in the elevator together. For someone who says hello and smiles to everyone, that was awkward lol. After learning these lessons, now I routinely ask myself, does this (person, job, thing, place, etc.) add value to my life? If yes, how so, can I quantify the value it brings? If not, is it time to let it go/move on? The lessons learned? You can't force gratitude or abundance. You must be grateful for everything, big and small. This is why so many successful people practice gratitude daily. It truly does impact your life in immeasurable ways. Make it a habit to begin or end each day by writing down at least three things you are grateful for. And as for abundance, if you are striving for abundance with "dirty fuel", you will never truly achieve it. Abundance comes to those who are grateful. If you have a roof over your head, clothes to wear and food to eat, you need to recognize that you are already living in abundance. :) John C. Maxwell wrote a great article in Success Magazine titled 6 Tips to Develop and Model an Abundance Mindset. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! What is your money mindset? Is it hindering you from reaching the financial wealth you dream of achieving? Are you not seeking wealth, but to just be "ok" or "financially secure"?
Think about this though...how many more people could you serve, how many lives could you impact if you were more than just ok financially. There are so many amazing charitable organizations that need our help, but if you're just ok, what level of impact are you able to have? Like many, I grew up in a household of scarcity. There was never enough money. Add to that, my Dad did road construction, so every winter he was laid-off and we relied on welfare and food banks to survive. We often heard "money doesn't grow on trees", "there is not enough...", "you have to work hard to make money", "we can't afford that", etc. It influenced my childhood so greatly that I began working at the age of 12 and dropped out of high school at the age of 16 to work full-time. One of the most impactful books I've read on this subject is Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker. In fact, it was so impactful that my sister and I are both currently reading it for the second time. “If your motivation for acquiring money or success comes from a non-supportive root such as fear, anger, or the need to ‘prove’ yourself, your money will never bring you happiness." ~ Secrets of the Millionaire Mind The book is split up in two parts. The first beingYour Money Blueprint, focuses on how we are conditioned regarding money. It explains why we are who we are and our conditioned way of thinking. Part two, The Wealth Files teaches 17 Wealth Files about how rich people think, act and live. Then dives into our new way of thinking and how we should operate if we want to become rich. This book opened my eyes to all the ways I was not receiving and how people and the universe stop offering when you consistently refuse to accept the offering. It truly is a life changing book! A lot of us have also heard that "money is the root of all evil" and "rich people are selfish and/or assholes" or something to that effect. The reality though is that your character is still your character whether you have $$$ or not. If you're an asshole, you're still going to be an asshole when you have money. However, if you're a kind, loving and generous person, money will enable to give even more. Chris Harder's podcast For The Love Of Money calls attention to the reality that when good people make good money, they do great things! Check it out! In my book The 40/40 Rules; Wisdom from 40 Women Over 40, one of the questions asked was: What is the best financial advice you have learned? I will leave you with my closing response: My advice would be that you are enough; no material possession will ever prove your worth. Live beneath your means, so you are able to secure your future and give back. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! In the words of Mary J. Blige "you gotta love yourself"! If you were to take an honest assessment right now, where would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 for self-love/confidence? Pause for a moment and think about that.
As women, we tend to be overly critical of ourselves. Couple that with all the images we see on TV and in magazines, all the cosmetic procedures and botox, not to mention social media, it's hard not to compare ourselves to others. But here's the reality...none of them are YOU! In her 2011 talk at TEDx San Francisco, Mel Robbins, author of The 5 Second Rule, mentioned that scientists estimate the probability of your being born at about one in 400 trillion. How crazy is that! You are a miracle and were uniquely designed! Like most people, for the majority of my life, I felt I wasn't enough. Wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, etc. I could go on, but I know you understand where I'm going with this. In 2012, when I hit my rock bottom, I was also at my highest weight ever, unhappy & depressed and felt like a complete failure in all aspects of my life. Let me tell you, that's a hard place to come back from. It was a slow process, but my life is radically transformed because I took inspired action from that place of darkness. I would like to share with you some of the steps I took that led me to where I am today.
You are not alone! Let's start your journey NOW through my 7 Day Self-Love Challenge! Grab a friend or two and let's reclaim your power and authentic voice with our daily action steps. Click below to join for FREE! Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Last week we talked about being vulnerable and I wanted to expand on that because, in my opinion, this world would be a much better place if more people were willing to be vulnerable and live their authentic lives.
But vulnerability...what does that mean? In my early years I equated it with weakness and opening yourself up to harm. I thought being vulnerable opens you up to judgement, which opens the door to shame; neither of which are any fun. One of my favorite teachers on this subject is Brené Brown. If you haven't watched her 2010 TEDx Houston talk, you should right now! It's one of the top ten most viewed TED talks in the world. If it resonates with you, read her book The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, & Courage. In an interview with Forbes, Brené said the following: "Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I was raised in a “get ‘er done” and “suck it up” family and culture (very Texan, German-American). The tenacity and grit part of that upbringing has served me, but I wasn’t taught how to deal with uncertainty or how to manage emotional risk. I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. Learning how to be vulnerable has been a street fight for me, but it’s been worth it." I can relate to every single word she said, well, other than being Texan lol. For me growing up, it wasn’t safe to be weak or let your emotions show, unless that emotion was anger. Expressing your feelings would lead to criticism & belittlement, so hiding your feelings was the less damaging thing to do. I learned how to be emotionally tough at a very young age, minimizing my own feelings & their value. I learned how to survive by always being calm, rational & level headed, not asking for help and not showing any weakness or vulnerability. I too lived in the world of black and white. It was my survival mechanism and served me for many years. But at what cost? What did I miss out on all those years? How many relationships, experiences and opportunities were impacted by my unwillingness to show up and be seen? I was in management roles from the age of 16. I was a hard worker and natural born leader, but had no real skills or experience leading teams. In those early years, I led with authority and refused to show any weaknesses. However, as I matured as a leader I learned a lot mostly from other poor leaders, but also from some great ones. It was evident that the best leaders are those who can connect with their teams on a personal level. It was when I began showing my vulnerability, sharing my fears and failures with my teams that I truly became an inspiring leader they wanted to follow. The same goes for family, friends and romantic relationships. They all grew and deepened when I was willing to come out from behind the mask and be vulnerable. Surface level investments will only get you surface level results. You must be willing to be vulnerable and let go of the shame to create lasting and meaningful relationships. As for experiences and opportunities, I hid from anything that would put me in the spotlight. I hated being the center of attention. There is a part of me still to this day that gets uncomfortable and worries if I'll be judged if I step forward. I've had to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I regularly challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone, so as not to miss out on the experiences and opportunities life has to offer. I will forever be grateful to a mentor who introduced me to Brené's work, as it has impacted my life in profound ways. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have! Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! How often do you hide who you really are or refrain from saying what's actually on your mind because you're afraid of being judged? More often than not, we are so afraid of portraying the right image, the perfection, the "standard" that we lose ourselves and our own identity.
I fell into this trap too. Being from a very small farming community where everyone knows you and your business, I felt like I had to uphold a certain image to fit in and be accepted/approved of. I was raised with the belief that asking for help meant you were weak. As a single mom at 21, I had my share of struggles. However, I kept them to myself or within my close inner circle so as not to be judged. But the reality is WE ALL STRUGGLE! I was so hell bent on portraying an image of perfection and having my shit together that I missed out on enjoying my life, imperfection and all. You're not going to believe me, well unless you know me personally, but it took me losing two loved ones nine days apart to wake me up to the reality that I was not living my life. I wasn’t in the driver’s seat of my life. I wasn’t even in the back seat…I was in the TRUNK! I was emotionally, physically and mentally bankrupt. After that, I began implementing radical changes in my life. One of the most impactful changes was I stopped giving a f*ck! All of those beliefs I had from my childhood, all of the small town gossip, all of the nay-sayers and criticizers, I stopped giving my power to them. I recognized that the people who truly loved and cared about me knew that I wasn't perfect and loved me anyway. In fact, my most authentic relationships were with those I was willing to be imperfect and vulnerable with. So, I will leave you with this. Stop pretending to have your shit together and be the wonderfully messy, wildly imperfect authentic you! Those who love you for YOU will still be there, and those who don’t? Who cares. You don’t need them anyway. Here are three books I highly recommend on this subject:
Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! |
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