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I'm taking a little "me time" break, so there will be no blog today. I hope you find a way to do the same today or this week for yourself, because you deserve it. <3
Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default!
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Lately, I've witnessed a few good friends get caught in confrontational situations. On each of these encounters, the situation had become escalated simply because they had not spoken up and communicated clear boundaries early on.
When we don't set healthy boundaries, we become victim to expectations and those unspoken expectations can lead to the demise of any relationship. Think back to a time when you had a disagreement with someone. Did that disagreement occur due to the fact that one of you had expectations for the other that were never communicated? It happens all the time. We are often too fearful of losing that person to speak up. This happens in business all the time too. You don't want to lose that client/customer, so you just go along with it. But the reality is, the other person has no idea, so there is no way they can meet you halfway. Which leaves us in a no-win situation. You end up getting upset or feeling resentful toward that person, when really they have done nothing wrong. By you not speaking up, you have made them the villain, but you're the one who's put yourself in this predicament. Have you ever paid attention to who makes you the most anxious? Chances are, it's the person you feel has certain expectations for you, but you are too afraid to speak up and set boundaries for yourself or the relationship. Here’s a harsh dose of reality though, people will continue to take advantage until you speak up. Read that again! You can continue to suffer in silence, be stressed out, anxious and become resentful OR…you can learn the practice of saying no, communicating clearly and setting healthy boundaries. It takes strength and the willingness to be vulnerable and at times uncomfortable. In having these discussions, I have often found the person didn’t even realize how I was feeling because I had never spoken up. Having a simple conversation and setting some ground rules not only rectified the issue, but it also strengthened our relationship. I work with an amazing energy healer and during our first session, she had me do the sway test. If you've never heard of this, look it up. It's remarkable! When you are faced with a difficult decision or something is weighing heavy on your heart, try this and feel into what your soul is trying to communicate to you.
If it's not in alignment (AKA No), you will sway backward. There's also a great book called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! We've all heard the saying "it takes a village" when it comes to raising children. However, the same is true for us even as adults.
Right before my 38th birthday, I left my tiny little town and moved to Los Angeles. I quickly became aware of the fact that since I was a child, I had always had community, I never had to go looking. But now, new to L.A., I had to intentionally and strategically seek out and build a new community. I won't go into all the details of how, but I explored groups on Meetup, attended networking groups and found events that were aligned with my values and interests. I say all this to share a story from this past weekend. One of the women I met through eWomen Network, a national women's networking group, was hosting an event in Las Vegas. Thanks to Holly, I am a #1 Best Selling Author; she pursued me for the 40/40 Rules: Wisdom from 40 Women Over 40 book and made it an easy yes. Holly is also a Prosperity Business Coach and has become a wonderful friend. Holly invited me to her event and I was happy to support. Plus, my best friend lives in Vegas, so I also got to catch up with her and her family. It was a win/win! I had no expectations for the weekend. I was simply going to support one friend and visit another. However, I did set some intentions. I asked that this weekend be full of growth, great conversation, I wanted to meet new people and most importantly, I set the intention to be fully present and listen to my intuition. Let me tell you, I got all that and so much more! Little did I know what the Universe had in store for me. Both days of the event, the lunch break included a mastermind session. There were a total of four tables and I set the intention to go to the table I felt the most called to. Day one, I knew I was at the right table when I met an amazing mentor and partner for my training consulting business. Day two, I again followed my gut and it led me to the table where I was yet again connected to a phenomenal woman and partner for my coaching business. Both of these women are perfectly aligned with my goals for 2019, one for the consulting and one for the coaching side of my business. Another one of my 2019 goals is to schedule more public speaking. At the end of day two, Holly asked me to be one of the speakers at her next event. I could have never anticipated the outcome of the weekend. I literally had goose bumps. I made one small choice, find a women's networking group as part of my community and it led me here. In addition to Holly, I met Jessica who is a social media and marketing genius, Penni who helps me with everything related to taxes and accounting, Jen who is a soul sister at the core (maybe cause we're both from WA, but I think it's more than that lol), Cathy who is a business coach focused on freedom and fulfillment from your divine feminine. All of these women are treasured friends who lift me up, hold me accountable and remind me of my strength when I sometimes can't see it myself. I would not have any of these amazing women in my life had I not intentionally and strategically sought out MY community. It's also through these women, and more, that I have made extraordinary connections, just like this past weekend at Holly's event. It truly does take a village and I am so very grateful for mine! <3 Share in the comments what intentions you're setting for creating your community. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! I learned this lesson the hard way, not just once, but twice. When my daughter was 3 years old and again when she was 15, it took being on the verge of a complete breakdown for me to take a much needed break. Both times I was literally hanging by a thread at the point where not taking a break was no longer optional.
As a single mom living paycheck to paycheck there were 1,000+ reasons why I couldn't; time off work, who's going to watch her, don't have the money, it seems frivolous when funds are tight and on and on and on. I look back now and there were so many signs and so many missed opportunities to decompress, rejuvenate and fill my cup, but I was too in the thick of it to notice. Last weekend, my cousin who is a music teacher and a single mom with three kids, ages 15, 12 and 10, made it a priority and found a way to bring her two younger kids to LegoLand for a fun filled weekend. She used money from her tax return, scheduled red-eye flights Thursday night and Sunday morning, so she only had to take one day off work & it saved her money and made arrangements with a friend for her oldest. It was a whirlwind weekend, but they had a blast. I drove down to spend Saturday with them. We had an amazing day full of fun and belly laughs, at one point I had my cousin laughing so hard, she almost fell out of her bed. And the kids, they were smiling from ear to ear. At the end of the day, my cousin and I were lounging poolside while the kids swam reflecting on how so many parents, especially single parents, don't prioritize fun, play and vacation, but how necessary it is for the kids AND the parents. Then today, I receive a call from my Sister. She received an offer for a trip to Mexico that will barely cost her anything, but she can't decide what to do. Between the kids, her business, lack of time and money...she has every reason to regretfully decline. But, she called the wrong person lol! I wasn't about to let that happen. I love my sister dearly, I know how hard she works and I know how desperately she could use some relaxation and a good recharge. I went straight into problem solving mode, shooting down her invalid excuses and offering solutions for the valid ones. I am happy to report she will be taking a much needed vacation! You think you can't afford a vacation, but the reality is you can't afford not to! You can't hustle and grind every day with no self-care or fun. That is a recipe for disaster...or worse, a breakdown, which leaves you unable to care for those who rely on you. Instead of pushing yourself to the breaking point, learn from the lessons of my cousin, my sister and myself. I know my cousin went home a different and more whole person than when she came to California. I know my sister will return to her kids and business fully charged having left her overwhelm and stress in Mexico. Find a way, ask for help, be open to receiving and commit to making it happen. I promise, you will thank me later. :) Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Lately my sister and I have been seeing repeated numbers. For her, it's 123. For me, it's 11:11. Then a friend told her about Angel Numbers. Neither of us can recall ever hearing of these before, so of course we automatically looked them up and WOW.
One, it's amazing what the Universe is trying to help us see. And two, it's truly remarkable how much your perspective changes when you're open and present. Once you see your message in a number a couple of times, you start seeing it all the time as a constant reminder. 123 "urges you to be faithful to your life purpose. Don't be distracted by things and people that keep you from working on your goals." At the time, my sister was feeling very distracted and overwhelmed. Unable to focus and manage her time in a way that was beneficial to her and her goals. 1111 "is a special message from your guardian angels indicating your ability to connect with the Ascended Masters in the angelic realm. It is your connection with the angelic realm, God, or Source Energy that determines your ability to manifest your desires and achieve your full potential." I have always been an empath and hypersensitive to energies. However, at times, I fail to listen to my own intuition and end up off track. For both of us, these numbers were sending us the exact message at the exact time we needed the reminder. It's also a reminder to me that the Universe is always trying to help us and show us the way. We just have to be open to receiving the message. Lately, while laying in bed winding down for the night, I receive some of my best downloads. I've realized I need to have a pen and paper on my nightstand so I can write them down. The few times I didn't, I was very upset that I could not recall them the next morning. For me, that quiet, peaceful time right before bed is when my inner voice is able to clearly communicate. There is no noise or chatter to drown it out. For others, it may be during meditation or yoga. The point is to find your time. When are you most open to receiving the messages? Where can you quiet the noise and chatter so as to hear the message? We all receive message in all sorts of ways...if we're open to hearing them. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! The definition if self-awareness is "conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives and desires". For me, the key here is conscious. So many of us are not living in the present moment.
We've found ways to self-soothe/medicate, otherwise known as checking out. Your vice could be watching endless hours of TV, scrolling social media, staying at work late, etc. All of these are ways in which we check out or operate on auto-pilot. Not to say you're doing it purposefully, it's just simply become a habit. I cannot begin to count how many times I've seen a family out for a meal, all eating at the same table and every single person has one hand on their food/silverware and the other on their phone. It has become "normal" to not socialize with loved ones sitting right next to you. Being self-aware and present can help you break these habits. How about this, have you ever noticed you've ended up in the same situation or relationship yet again? You've started a new job or new friendship/relationship and at first it's great and then...deja vu! Self-awareness would call to your attention that the situation is not the problem, you are. You keep repeating old habits and patterns that lead you down that same old path. Until you become conscious and present, history will continue to repeat itself. It would be so much easier if we could simply point the blame to someone else. But how would that help us? We would continue to live an unhappy, unfulfilled life on auto pilot. Believe me, I know this all too well. I lived that life for years. My breakdown came after the loss of two loved ones. I am so grateful for them, the love and compassion they showed me while they were here and the lessons their deaths taught me. That breakdown led me to my breakthrough when I woke up to the harsh reality that I was not living my life. I was not present, I was unfulfilled and definitely unhappy. My practice of self-awareness has grown significantly over the years as I've healed old wounds, faced and forgiven traumas, worked with coaches and healers and learned to listen to my inner voice. But, it all started with ME. Me committing to being present. Me committing to being honest with myself. Me committing to doing the hard inner work. I had to first decide that auto pilot was no longer an option. Living an unfulfilled life was no longer acceptable. It was time to wake up, be conscious and live intentionally. Self-awareness was key in radically transforming my life. It helped me remain accountable to me and the commitments I had made to myself. Some may think it's easier to blame someone else, but I think it's easier when you know there is only one person with the power, and that person is YOU. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Ok, so let's be real. This is a tough one. Letting go of control, a relationship, safety and security to pursue your dream, and so much more. Letting go can be one of the toughest lessons we learn in life. Why? Because change and the unknown can be scary...but it doesn't have to be.
We hang onto all of this fear and anxiety over things we cannot control. As a recovering control freak, I have spent countless hours stressing over something that turned out just fine. For example, freaking out when I made the decision to leave Corporate to build my coaching business. I had no idea how I was going to pay my bills. What if I didn't make it? What if... But what about when it's someone else and completely out of your control. My daughter's father is an addict. Even though we were not together, there were still years of worry and sleepless nights. With multiple suicide attempts, car accidents, arrests and all the other things that come with addiction, I was scared to death that one day I would receive that fateful call and have to sit my daughter down for a heartbreaking conversation. That call never came, and yet that fear and anxiety still consumed me. So why did I choose to let the fear of what might happen have such power over me? I used to have severe anxiety when flying. I was convinced I was on the plane that was going down. Every sound and bump elevated my heart rate and raised my blood pressure. I had NO control! Or did I? I realized I was the only one who did have control...the power to let go of the things I cannot control. Making the decision to leave Corporate was a scary leap, but you know what, I am resourceful and a phenomenal problem solver, so of course I found a way. And these are things I know about myself, so there was no reason to allow the fear to consume me. For my daughter's father, the CDC estimates that 72,287 people died from overdoses in 2017; that's nearly 200 people each day. A sad, yet true fact, which is why helping recovering addicts is so near and dear to my heart. What control did I have? I chose to be a positive force in his life and keep open lines of communication, but ultimately accept that it's his life and his decision. If the plane is going down, the plane is going down. The only control I have in that scenario is to make sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me...before I get on the plane. Not to mention, statistically I am more likely to die in L.A. traffic on my way to the airport than I am on the plane lol. The point I'm trying to make with these examples is whether we have little control or no control, we need to let go. What will be, will be. That's life. But when we allow ourselves to be consumed by this fear and anxiety, we are missing out on being present and enjoying everything life has to offer; both the ups and the downs. We're also missing out on opportunities cause we're so hell bent on things going the way we want. We are telling the Universe that we can do it all on our own, no support necessary, we're a one man show and everything is under control. Is that really the message you want to be sending? Is that the kind of energy you want to be carrying around? Wouldn't you like to free yourself of these chains? This week I challenge you to complete this exercise:
You are not alone, reach out to your inner circle throughout this process. Open the door to an honest dialogue about the struggle of surrendering and letting go. I guarantee your friends can relate and you will all benefit from this exercise and the conversations that ensue. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Ahhhh, parenting. One of life's greatest blessings and biggest challenges all rolled into one. I've said this many times to many people; You're going to fuck up your kids. Not in the same way your parents fucked you up, but in new ways by overcompensating for what you believe were your parent's mistakes.
Most of us want to do better and give our children a better life than we had. However, there is no manual, there is no "right" way and we're imperfect humans dealing with our own shit too. Some of my biggest life failures and hardest lessons came from motherhood. I did not have a safe or comfortable childhood, so I made it my life mission to provide that for my daughter. However, in doing so, I robbed her of the opportunity to learn from her mistakes, problem solve and overcome adversity. By overcompensating, I created an environment that was too safe and too comfortable. I protected her from hurt and heartache, instead of allowing those to teach her about healing, forgiveness and compassion. I was so caught up in providing her a better life and upholding my image, that I failed to be present and enjoy the journey. I had a fear of being seen, so when my very spirited child was being ridiculously goofy in public, I made her tone it down for fear of her being embarrassed or made fun of. I thought all of these things were for her protection, but really they were harming her and hindering her ability to function as an adult in the real world. I know other parents who want so badly for their kids to like them, or be their BFF, that the parent/child lines are blurred. Or because they felt like they had no say as a kid, they allow their children too much say and have created an unhealthy imbalance of authority with no boundaries. I've learned we can't protect our kids from life. This is how they learn. What we can do is love them unconditionally, not just let them be goofy, but celebrate their unique character, create a safe space with structure, openly communicate (even the tough shit) and set the example. In order to parent better, you have to be willing to do the inner work. If you are not happy and well-balanced, how can you expect your children to be? Again, there is no manual or "right" way. We all make mistakes. I am no parenting expert, but I have learned a lot over the years and I encourage you to start to think about your parenting style and analyze if your choices are:
One of the most important lessons we can teach our children, in my humble opinion, is accountability; genuinely apologize when you make a mistake, cause it's going to happen. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new. Brian Tracy According to Wikipedia, the comfort zone is defined as “a behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance.” Wow! Notice those words; anxiety-neutral, limited and steady. Does that sound like a place you can flourish and be your best self? As a very young child, we develop patterns, routines and thoughts that become deeply rooted survival mechanisms. They have shaped our character, how we show up in this world and the types of decisions we make. For example, if you grew up in a house that was always loud, chaotic and unpredictable, you will either recreate that in your adult life, because it's your comfort zone or you will swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and be rigid, controlled and ultra-organized. Either way, your experiences as a child have created your reality as an adult. My comfort zone was all about having control and portraying an image of perfection. I upheld that for years. For others, it may be staying in a dysfunctional relationship because dysfunction is all you've ever known. I once had a conversation with a young guy, probably around 24, who had been in a relationship for 3 years. His partner wanted marriage and kids. He knew she was not the one. However, he was more fearful of ending it and moving on than he was of staying in an unhappy relationship. It had become comfortable and he wasn't willing to get uncomfortable. But there's a cost to staying comfortable. When we're comfortable, we are not learning or growing. We're not having the necessary difficult conversations with ourselves and others. Pause for a moment to reflect on your routines, daily thoughts and your choices. Are you noticing a pattern? Do you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? It's shocking, right?
You are only confined by the walls you build yourself. You can survive in your comfort zone, but if you truly want to thrive, you must be willing to get uncomfortable. Are you willing to step outside those walls and see what wonderful things are on the other side? This week, challenge yourself to change at least one thing and watch the magic unfold. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! As women, we tend to be hypercritical of ourselves and especially of our bodies. We look at social media, magazines, TV and compare ourselves to other women. What is the effect of comparison? We think they are better, which makes us feel like we're less than enough. But who decided what this supposed golden standard is? There is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt; No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
So really, its YOU. You are the one deciding what the standard is and then deeming yourself not worthy. I was always the chubby kid being made fun of by kids in school and even some of my own family members. I wasn't taught healthy eating habits and yet I was still shamed for being overweight. As if it was my fault for not knowing better as a child. This shame stayed with me for years. My weight was my armor, my protective shield. As unreasonable as it sounds, I felt like my weight protected me from being seen and not being seen equated to not being hurt. As someone whose weight has greatly fluctuated over the years, so has my body image and shame. Until the day I decided to love myself no matter where I was in the journey. The reality is women of all sizes struggle with body image/shame. I know women who are small and have the healthy, toned, "ideal" body and yet still struggle with body image. They won't wear tank tops cause they don't like their arms or won't wear short skirts cause they hate their legs or want to hide their varicose veins. Then there are women obsessed with losing that last 5-10lbs and it consumes their life. They cannot find happiness until they reach that goal on the scale. Men struggle too with body image. I recently had a long conversation with a guy who was afraid of putting himself back into the dating scene because he had put on a few extra pounds. I asked him if he wanted to find someone who only cared what he looked like externally or if he wanted someone to like him for who he is, his character and values. My advice was if he wanted to lose weight for his health, great. But if he wanted to lose weight because he felt like he wasn't enough, then he needed to spend some time reflecting on what that meant and where it was coming from. The moment I found love for myself, was the moment my entire life changed. I began walking taller with my head high, my wardrobe changed cause I was no longer trying to hide myself, I began to glow and my smile became genuine instead of forced. And people started to notice and comment. I recently had two friends tell me I was elegant and refined; two words I would never have used to describe myself, but that was their truth in how they saw me and how I carry myself. There's no handbook or "proven system" for you to follow. You must simply make a decision. Your true beauty will emerge the moment you decide to simply love yourself wherever you are in your journey. Let go of this false "ideal" image. We are all flawed humans, we all have those things that bother us about ourselves, but that's what makes us uniquely us. This world would be a very boring place if all humans were alike. Celebrate your magical uniqueness and share it with everyone around you! I promise, you will notice a difference and so will those around you. Here's to another week of living your life by design, not by default! |
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